Column/Dig inside the mind of the lost
Published 12:00 am Monday, October 8, 2007
Sometimes I wonder what it’s like for someone who knows absolutely nothing about sports.
I’ve tried to imagine picking up a sports page and feeling like I was reading Chinese.
So I devised a list of simple sports terms that the non-fan would probably misinterpret.
The subject for this experiment will be Casey – a fictional, non-gendered person who is completely sports ignorant.
Disclaimer: This may be the most deranged thing I’ve ever done.
7. Pick and roll:
Sports definition – (Basketball) A simple offensive move in which a teammate blocks the path of the person defending the ball handler then slips behind the defender to accept a pass. Also called a “screen and roll.”
Casey’s definition – Something you do with the gunk in your nose.
6. Fair catch:
Sports definition – (Football) A signal that grants a player the right to refuse the return of a kicked ball. Also protects said player from contact by an opponent.
Casey’s definition – That single co-worker you’ve had your eye one for six months.
5. Trifecta:
Sports definition – (Horse racing) A bet in which the bettor must predict which horses will finish first, second and third in exact order. Also an interchangeable slang phrase in other sports.
Casey’s definition – A really nasty skin disease.
4. Caddie:
Sports definition – (Golf) A person employed to carry a player’s bags, give course advice and do any other menial work.
Casey’s definition – Still one of the coolest automobiles in the world.
3. One timer:
Sports definition – (Hockey) A pass that is quickly followed by a teammate’s slap shot. Hockey’s version of an alley oop.
Casey’s definition – What all bad first dates turn into.
2. Draft:
Sports definition – (Racing) Staying extremely close to the racer directly in front in an effort to maintain speed while reducing energy used.
Casey’s definition – The surest way to make a bad time turn good.
1. Bang banger:
Sports definition – (Baseball) A close play at first base.
Casey’s definition – Umm, am I really allowed to say what that is?
George L. Jones is sports editor of The Selma Times-Journal. He can be reached at (334) 410-1744 or george.jones@selmatimesjournal.com&.